In the Middle of...refeathering my (almost) empty nest

Did you know that some birds use feathers, little pieces of themselves, to build warm, comfortable, protective nests for their offspring?

It occurs to me that this is very similar to many women I know.

We enter into our marriages as well-rounded, multi-faceted individuals. Many of us have careers, hobbies, talents, interests, passions that fill up the hours of our days. We spend the evenings of our early married lives in lively discussions of world events, personal philosophies and idealistic goals with our spouses and a like-minded circle of friends.

Then we have children, and we begin to feather our nests with little pieces of ourselves.

We do this joyously, to create the perfect nests to nurture our growing families. Our passions evolve to support this new role. We give up our careers so we can stay home to nurse our infants. We miss an art class to attend our 1st grader's school play, quit the book club that meets at our 3rd grader's bedtime, never take the 3 credits needed to finish our Master's Degree. We nurture. Our circle of friends now revolves around the children's playmates, we develop strong bonds with women who are at the same stage of nestbuilding as ourselves.

As our little chicks spread their wings, our friendships may dissolve, no longer bound by school volunteering, car pooling, sidelines cheering. We chauffer, make hair and doctor appointments, pass on the "girl's weekend" because it is the same weekend as our 8th grader's junior high dance. Friendships require time, patience and committment and ours are directed towards our fledglings and their nest. If we are very lucky we hang on to 1 or 2 very dear friends.

We may return to work, we make acquaintances. But those deep satisfying friendships are harder to find.

And then we find that our brood no longer needs the nest! They're off, and we are so proud of the nest we created that allowed them to fly. But now what? What do we do with ourselves now that we no longer need to give up all those little pieces of ourselves? What do we do with all those extra feathers?

Some of us, and I admit this is my greatest fear, have given up so much of ourselves that we depend on our husbands to define us. It seems as if there is so little left that we have to work together as 1 person, 1 personality. Some of us may actually begin dressing like our "other half"!



Others of us turn inward, turning the talents we developed while raising children into hobbies. Knitting, cooking, cleaning. Well, how much cooking can you do for 2? And, what will you do with all those scarves? What of the recipients of your products, how long are they obligated to wear and/or display your handiwork? Not wanting to saddle my children and friends with doilies or decorative dish towel angels, this option will not work for me either.

No, I honestly believe that the only way to build a truly strong, post-child nest, is to continue to reinforce it with pieces of yourself, your feathers. With both partners returning to share the bits and pieces of themselves that make them unique, the nest will be once again filled with lively conversation.

So I am looking outward and refeathering my nest through friends.

I am consciously seeking out, and spending time with, people that bring out the side of me that has been in hibernation for a long while. The just for the fun of it, because I want to side. The just because it's funny side. The let loose and let go side.

I recently organized a girls weekend composed of a group of women that make me laugh. We were 7 altogether. I collected them from distinct areas of my life, 2 of them through Steve's friends and business acquaintances. 1 of them through my work. 1 a long time friend from town. 2 had traveled with me and Steve, with their spouses, before. Although they all shared something in common, I worried that the distinct groups would remain fractioned over the course of the 4 days.

I was wrong. After a brief meeting in my driveway, and a few rather awkward quiet moments in the limo, we began to loosen up. Being the day after the election, the 1 "red" member of our group was told to "Shut the F*** up!" when she would not stop trying to convince us of the errors of our ways. It was done with a laugh and a smile, the ice was broken. Ironically when we got our 2 rental cars, one was red the other blue, Maria was only allowed to ride in the red car.

We got cryptic e-mails from our "boys" causing us to search out terms, that led us to "google" a phrase, that led us to a page, that made our mouths drop open in shock. We laughed 'til we cried as "Red" Maria acted out many of the poses on said page to give us a visual. Sometimes we just cried. We shared stories from the past that we are still hurting from. We shared recent hurts that remain to be dealt with. We shared lots of good food and drink. We exchanged birthdates and cell phone numbers. We taught each other how to add picture ID's to our phones and how to fold sheets into perfect little bundles. We styled hair and painted fingernails. It was summer camp for grown-ups!

I value my marriage and the relationship Steve and I have. I returned to it with stories to share, and some to keep private. We laughed. Our nest became stronger because I brought those bits of myself, my feathers, separate and distinct, home to share with him.

Honey, I smell another girl's weekend coming up, but don't worry, it's good for us!

But, beware girls or you might just end up (Gasp!) dressing like your friends!